Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
