I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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