I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
