so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
