I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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