Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
