i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
