All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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