Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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