"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
