So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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