I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
