i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
