I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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