Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
