Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
