i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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