I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
