my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
