I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He better not be in your backpack
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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