if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
