Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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