We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
MIDGETS
????
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
