My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
