i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
