ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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