Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I need moral support for this bender
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
