Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
