She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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