I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
