it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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