Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I seem to have left my pride at pride
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
