Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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