That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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