I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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