i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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