All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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