Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
