You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
