I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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