If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
