I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
