Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
