I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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