A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
