I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
