Capitaan dildo arrescate!
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
3 2 1 whiskey
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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