There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Randomize
