We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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