my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
